I wish you would stay out of my life
Really
I was just starting to be gone with you.
You have to talk to me. Letting me know something random which makes me feel uncomfortable.
Why do you have to do this.

 All I wanted is approval. 
You denied me that which I have seeked since the day I could talk
I see how it is. 

I now know you don't care.
Please stay out of my life.
I mean it this time.
I am not afraid of you anymore.
I have risen above. 

This post is named after a band you should check out...Ian Walsh and the Sober Riots. They are a semi local band where I know the bassist. They just finished their national tour...yayyy

 She's back. And I don't know how I feel about it. I hate being this ambivalent. I missed her, but I am afraid there is no way to get back the girl I used to call my best friend. I just want her back. And it hurts. Nobody would ever dare to think that maybe this is just for attention. That maybe the most pain was given to her best friend who had to tell her mom there was a problem. I don't regret it one bit. She will never know I told. 

There has been a lot in my mind lately. And I have taken it out mostly in Cold Stone Ice Cream. Matt has been the greatest friend to me ever. He is just amazing. And Chili, well he is the greatest fake brother I could ever have. I love my boys. And I love that tard I call my boyfriend. He has given up everything for me. Legit everything. 

And, I have decided to lead the sober riot fun. I have activities. They've told me that they have much more fun being with me and having fun, than sitting in Mike's garage smoking weed. My only rule is no drugs, alcohol, or smoking, before or during the activity. They are more than happy to oblige which makes me happy inside. 

I'm not a martyr for the straightedge, I am a firm believer in my lifestyle. I just want to show the world how much fun you can have while you're sober. Cause really, it's a lot of fun. 

 Went to the carnival with Toph the other night. It was simply amazing. Kind of awkward....he was all over me. It was kind of cool going out in public, in easton with him. My mom called it "emo girl and barbie". he met my mom which was good. she likes him, but im pretty sure she doesnt understand him and his ways. 
Had a panic attack and a very special girl named kimberly marie snyder talked me out of it. apparently i have to stop worrying about my future. but i dont know how.  

im waiting for avery to pick me up for lunch and nails. i love he.r 
i cant focus. ill repost later =]

I need to post. Bad. 

I can't stand knowing things are good.
Everytime things start to go okay, and things seem perfect,
Something crashes. 
Every single time.
My happiness is gone.

Things are going well.
He's away with his dad,
But still they are good.
I'm waiting
For Disaster.

It happens every time, 
I have just been in this slump since dance ended. 
And I got out of it.
Some part of me just refuses to let myself be happy.

This whole not seeing all of my friends everyday, 
Kicks the shit out of me.
I actually miss school.
Not school itself, 
But the routine. 
Seeing my friends constantly
And going to dance. And seeing them there. 
Without my friends,
I am nothing. 
Nothing.
I'm
Sad.
Lonely.
Depressed.
Anxious.
Pathetic.
I'm not me.

I needed a change.
I got a haircut. 
It's sick.
I can mosh with it.
It's inspired by Kim's old 'do.
Her sexy redness that I miss oh so much.

I'm going to Atlanta soon.
Not very excited. 
My family doesn't like me very much.
Not even my sister.

Oh well.
Trumbull Day is on Friday.
I'm going.
It should be fun. 

I miss you guys.

So life is ridiculous. I need summer so bad. I can't focus. It's just cruel to be in school right now. Things with Chris are alright I guess. He just needs to stop getting in trouble. And I need to get some balls. Its just all so hectic. But he might have to go to military school which would suck. We talked about it last night, and he basically said he wouldn't know what would happen to us if he went. FML. But I'll do what I want, and he knows. We have already discussed this. His friends call us the married couple. Haha. Oh wells.

Off to babysit a bastard in the making. I get to go get groped for ten an hour. Lucky me!

I am so done with school. Its sunny outside. I have to do an essay. How can I possibly concentrate? I am suffering from senioritis...as a sophomore. Its only going to get worse. I have one more French long period. Two more ENglish essays ("Doing one now..."). 1 more anatomy test. 1 more religion test....maybe. 1 more English test. Art Presentation. Art final. I can do this. Or maybe I can't? 

So basically Erin told me to find a medium. And that changed my ways more than she can ever know....Thank you Erin for being so rad =] I guess today will be like "worship erin anderson day???" So being completely and utterly inspired by the lovely Miss Anderson, I will post my lovely Hell Week Schedule =]
And my lovely calender equals this::::

Monday: English Test...which I failed
Tuesday: Nadaaaa!
Wednesay: English Essay. Math Test.
Thursday: Anatomy Test
Friday: English Quiz. French Test. John Questions for Religion
Monday: Anatomy Project. French Actualites 

 So Chris gets ungrounded today. I have to talk to him, one of his friends said something to me that I really should have brushed off. In fact, he is my friend too. SO instead of forgetting about it, I can't stop thinking about it. Apparently I am liked more as a friend than a girlfriend to Chris's friends. They want me and him to be hookup buddies instead. They basically said that I am way too leniant with him, I don't discipline him or make a lot of rules. The problem is that he needs them, but I don't know where to stop. I don't want to be the psycho controlling girlfriend. If I had it my way, this relationship would be a lot different, I've had to put things into perspective. I know its impossible for the things I want to ever become reality, my wants are too numerous. I don't think that any of this can ever happen so I just have to suck it up and deal with it. Oh well....

 My mom has openly admitted that she no longer has any trust towards me. I have "become a typical teenager." I became somebody she doesn't know and doesn't want to ever know. I need help.
She told me that she regretted making me the center of her life.

I want to cry. This whole thing with my mom has blown way up. I am writing her a letter. I can't express how badly I feel right now. I am really opening up, and I hope she respects that, cause you guys know how hard that is for me. All I want is her approval. Why can't I just get it? I want to curl up in a ball and just cry.

"Do you like dreaming of things so impossible?"

So I realized today how much I want my parents back together. I sat with both of my parents at the kitchen table for the first time in seven years. I actually felt like part of the family and not the outcast I typically feel like. I don't look like anybody. I don't like the same things. I have different political views. I don't like sports. I would rather spend my days dancing and painting then watching TV. I talk to my girls instead of my family. I trust my friends more than my dad. At Thanksgiving, I am awkward. I don't know how to communicate with either side of my family. Everything I say just either comes out wrong, or they argue with me about it. I don't fit in. It's quite clear. 

This being said, the kitchen table was not a peaceful meeting. I come home from breakfast with my dad to find my mother typing away on the computer on the phone with the Verizon people. She cut my texting off cause of my progress report which was not up to her valedictorian standards. All Satisfactories, but in math it said grade average 70-74 cause i bombed the only test that is on the report. But I am having a retake so all should be well in MaddieLand. Oh honey, its not. My mom actually cut off my texting because she thinks that I do not work hard enough.

Well Gail, I am sorry I can't be perfect. I am so far from it. I don't want to be you. I don't want to be perfect. I don't want to be valedictorian. I live my whole life aiming to be not perfect. Nothing is quite perfect with me. I wear converse with my cocktail dresses. And I wear ripped up tights to ballet. I do my French homework to screamo. I do my Christmas shopping the week of. My whole life is in retaliation to this perfection my mom worked so hard to achieve in her life. Granted I am my own person, I think of myself as an individual. I hang out with who I want, I do what I want, wear what I want, I listen to what I want, no matter what other people say. I don't listen to what other people say. I want and need to figure things out for myself. I know what is good for me. And if I don't, the only way I will learn is if I do it by myself.

I learn differently than you do Mom. I can't read a book and automatically understand and memorize every little detail in the book. I am not blessed with that talent. I have to work twice as hard as you did to get decent grades. I can't remember every detail in my English book, but I can memorize every lyric to my favorite songs. Simply because I remember the things I don't need to know. You need to stop basing me on your expectations of yourself. Everytime somebody meets me who knows you, they actually say that I am different than how they thought I would be. Well no shit Sherlock, I wear flannel shirts and skinny jeans as opposed to your pearls and sweater sets. I don't do my homework 5 hours a day, I actually have people to talk to. Taking away my texting is not allowing me the essential communication between me and my people. Its not fair to me. Why should you cut me off from the people who keep me sane? That is just wrong. I have no communication between me and Chris besides Facebook cause his laptop is gone. What kind of relationship is that? And yes, today is our one month. I have no texting and he is hungover. His stupid friend spiked his mountain dew last night and he feels like crap today. But at least I talked to him. 

This is so much more than my mom taking away my texting. It's the complex that she has where she thinks that she can completely control my life twenty four seven. I'm fifteen, she shouldn't be able to do that. I understand limitations. I can work within them. But cutting me off will only make me rebel further...Oh mother you have so much to learn.

Ok so I know I haven't updated in what seems to be years.
So much has happened.
I have finally found somebody. I really like him. AND OMG ITS A MUTUAL FEELING.
You know those texts that say "Wait for the one who calls you back when he hangs up. Wait for the one who calls you beautiful instead of hot. Wait for the one who will get made fun of by his friends..." you know that text. Well I found one! He texts me at random times of the day and asks me if he has told me that I am amazing and beautiful lately. If not, I am. He is so cute, and amazing, and really he has changed my life. He makes bad decisions. FML. Oh well. He makes me so happy. And we are so adorable. I am blonde and happy and he is emo. Its so damn adorable. If I want to be with him, then I will do whatever it takes. I don't care. I smile everytime he texts me. He gets made fun of by his friends for always talking to me on the phone or shit...IDC. I talk to him for hours a day. I believe I started talking to him at five, its now eleven...Oh jeez. So yea, life is going pretty well right now. Oh and we have a song. And a whole life plan. We are getting married, and moving to San Diego. We are going to name our daughter Coco Ariella Sabella. I am going to own a hotel, and he is going to own a skate/surf shop next door. Haha, this all started with Miss Larsen's stupid chastity essay that me and him got way too into....Oh Well
 

 So I feel like death. I haven't slept in days. My teachers are friggin psychos and I actually had a nervous breakdown. I cannot handle all of this. To top it off, everybody is freaking out about spring fling. And I don't know what to say about my date. I mean I think I am going with this guy but it was more of a "hey I really want to go to spring fling!" "sure you wanna go?" "ok sounds cool we will have a blast". IT wasnt a formal asking so um, I hope I have a date....
But I am falling apart. Lovely

 I haven't posted in a while, and I know. I am completely entranced by this song that Erin put up. Its amazing, its by Man Overboard and it is called "Love your friends die laughing". Its amazing, and the words just speak to me, IDK why though, but yes life is still complicated. Oh well, its a lost cause at this point. So when this hell week ends, I will update more often, kay bye.

 I am so happy to be back in Connecticut. Florida was eventful and I never like the drama that unfolds there. Its just not fun. My dad lets me go nowhere and I have to spend every waking moment with him. Ughhhhhh.

Its ok I am home now. This is good. I like being home. I missed my mom. This thing with Chris is getting out of hand though. Its just getting kind of ridiculous. Oh well. Thats all I can say at this point, Oh well

 So i am flying out today. And I still have the flu. Lovely, just lovely. I will infect the entire plane. But I am gonna be all drugged up, so that should be tons of fun. I am not gonna be lucid and I hope I don't contract the stomach bug on the plane. That would be bad. I downloaded tons of music on my laptop so I should be set. I am looking forward to getting a Maddie Tan which basically means I turn the same color as normal people. Not the people who tan, like just normal skin toned people. I had a doctor who said I was ridiculously white. Awesome! So my mom looked up the flu test that I had and apparently it is seventy percent accurate. I have the strain that It doesn't pick up. I have the strain that was not covered by the flu shot. Yea, I would be that minority
I will update at the airport. Should Be tons of fun! I will be back on Monday thank God!!!!!!! 

 Yay this illness I seem to suffer from just keeps getting worse. Joy! I have no voice, I sound like the Grim Reaper when I try to talk, always fun! I emailed all of my teachers begging for sympathy. Ughhhh. And my mom said I have to go to school tomorrow even if I have one leg. Thank you mother. Thank you for caring. 

 I am sick. Wonderful. I feel like about four hundred bricks have been thrown at me...Everybody is sick today. Every single person at my school. What is this madness? And Chris is sick too...I think its because we got each other sick. He told me the night blink announced they were coming back that basically he would give me a ginormous hug in the hallway when he saw me on Monday. By hug I had no idea he meant. Stop in the middle of the hallway across from the middle staircase, and like lunge into sumo position and like wait for me to hug him. It was ridiculously awkward. Haha, but I liked it. He also ordered tons of blink shirts and hoodies and I get one
And also, its official I am getting a puppy!