Consider Me Confessed:

She's Just a little bit camera shy

2009-12-09T02:26:26Z

I wish you would stay out of my life
Really
I was just starting to be gone with you.
You have to talk to me. Letting me know something random which makes me feel uncomfortable.
Why do you have to do this.

blink182ofaneye @ 2009-11-08T23:38:00

2009-11-09T04:42:41Z

All I wanted is approval.
You denied me that which I have seeked since the day I could talk
I see how it is.

I now know you don't care.
Please stay out of my life.
I mean it this time.
I am not afraid of you anymore.
I have risen above.

Sober Riot

2009-09-09T03:45:53Z

This post is named after a band you should check out...Ian Walsh and the Sober Riots. They are a semi local band where I know the bassist. They just finished their national tour...yayyy

She's back. And I don't know how I feel about it. I hate being this ambivalent. I missed her, but I am afraid there is no way to get back the girl I used to call my best friend. I just want her back. And it hurts. Nobody would ever dare to think that maybe this is just for attention. That maybe the most pain was given to her best friend who had to tell her mom there was a problem. I don't regret it one bit. She will never know I told.

There has been a lot in my mind lately. And I have taken it out mostly in Cold Stone Ice Cream. Matt has been the greatest friend to me ever. He is just amazing. And Chili, well he is the greatest fake brother I could ever have. I love my boys. And I love that tard I call my boyfriend. He has given up everything for me. Legit everything.

And, I have decided to lead the sober riot fun. I have activities. They've told me that they have much more fun being with me and having fun, than sitting in Mike's garage smoking weed. My only rule is no drugs, alcohol, or smoking, before or during the activity. They are more than happy to oblige which makes me happy inside.

I'm not a martyr for the straightedge, I am a firm believer in my lifestyle. I just want to show the world how much fun you can have while you're sober. Cause really, it's a lot of fun.

We Could Be Back to Go Again

2009-08-03T18:05:46Z

Went to the carnival with Toph the other night. It was simply amazing. Kind of awkward....he was all over me. It was kind of cool going out in public, in easton with him. My mom called it "emo girl and barbie". he met my mom which was good. she likes him, but im pretty sure she doesnt understand him and his ways.
Had a panic attack and a very special girl named kimberly marie snyder talked me out of it. apparently i have to stop worrying about my future. but i dont know how.

im waiting for avery to pick me up for lunch and nails. i love he.r
i cant focus. ill repost later =]

So Bring on the Rain, And Bring on the Thunder

2009-07-22T15:20:25Z

So I'm sitting in Fairfield University, typing my summer work. I have finished 1 out my two history essays. Read one out of the two English books, and I have started the second. Haven't started math or French. Haven't read my chem book yet. I still have to do a presentation on Picodella Mirandola [who the fuck is he?]. I have basically decided that my classes for next year will not stop me from having the best year.

I will own junior year. This is MY year. I am going to do whatever it takes to be THE BEST, not just MY best. I am going to get presidential honor roll, and I am going to have a social life. I am going to get closer to my friends, and make significant improvements in dance. I am going to be more organized, and use my calenders.

I am not going to procrastinate.

I am going to get sleep.

I will do all my homework.

I will get good grades

I will finish off the year with a 90 average.

I will get a dance scholarship.

I will get another 3 on my AP test.

I will manage my job at CT Dance, the library, and my schoolwork.

I will OWN the SATS

**This is my year. I am going to shine like never before, I have goals. I have never had goals before, but I have motivation. I just want my mom to be proud of me this year. FTW

blink182ofaneye @ 2009-06-24T15:38:00

2009-06-24T19:49:30Z

I need to post. Bad.

I can't stand knowing things are good.
Everytime things start to go okay, and things seem perfect,
Something crashes.
Every single time.
My happiness is gone.

Things are going well.
He's away with his dad,
But still they are good.
I'm waiting
For Disaster.

It happens every time,
I have just been in this slump since dance ended.
And I got out of it.
Some part of me just refuses to let myself be happy.

This whole not seeing all of my friends everyday,
Kicks the shit out of me.
I actually miss school.
Not school itself,
But the routine.
Seeing my friends constantly
And going to dance. And seeing them there.
Without my friends,
I am nothing.
Nothing.
I'm
Sad.
Lonely.
Depressed.
Anxious.
Pathetic.
I'm not me.

I needed a change.
I got a haircut.
It's sick.
I can mosh with it.
It's inspired by Kim's old 'do.
Her sexy redness that I miss oh so much.

I'm going to Atlanta soon.
Not very excited.
My family doesn't like me very much.
Not even my sister.

Oh well.
Trumbull Day is on Friday.
I'm going.
It should be fun.

I miss you guys.

Your My Hot Addiction

2009-05-27T18:43:13Z

So life is ridiculous. I need summer so bad. I can't focus. It's just cruel to be in school right now. Things with Chris are alright I guess. He just needs to stop getting in trouble. And I need to get some balls. Its just all so hectic. But he might have to go to military school which would suck. We talked about it last night, and he basically said he wouldn't know what would happen to us if he went. FML. But I'll do what I want, and he knows. We have already discussed this. His friends call us the married couple. Haha. Oh wells.

Off to babysit a bastard in the making. I get to go get groped for ten an hour. Lucky me!

She Said I've Got the Best Beating Heart in the World

2009-05-19T19:08:01Z

I am so done with school. Its sunny outside. I have to do an essay. How can I possibly concentrate? I am suffering from senioritis...as a sophomore. Its only going to get worse. I have one more French long period. Two more ENglish essays ("Doing one now..."). 1 more anatomy test. 1 more religion test....maybe. 1 more English test. Art Presentation. Art final. I can do this. Or maybe I can't?

I'm On The Highway to Hell....

2009-05-12T19:18:25Z

So basically Erin told me to find a medium. And that changed my ways more than she can ever know....Thank you Erin for being so rad =] I guess today will be like "worship erin anderson day???" So being completely and utterly inspired by the lovely Miss Anderson, I will post my lovely Hell Week Schedule =]
And my lovely calender equals this::::

Monday: English Test...which I failed
Tuesday: Nadaaaa!
Wednesay: English Essay. Math Test.
Thursday: Anatomy Test
Friday: English Quiz. French Test. John Questions for Religion
Monday: Anatomy Project. French Actualites

I've Only Got Forever

2009-05-11T19:08:10Z

So Chris gets ungrounded today. I have to talk to him, one of his friends said something to me that I really should have brushed off. In fact, he is my friend too. SO instead of forgetting about it, I can't stop thinking about it. Apparently I am liked more as a friend than a girlfriend to Chris's friends. They want me and him to be hookup buddies instead. They basically said that I am way too leniant with him, I don't discipline him or make a lot of rules. The problem is that he needs them, but I don't know where to stop. I don't want to be the psycho controlling girlfriend. If I had it my way, this relationship would be a lot different, I've had to put things into perspective. I know its impossible for the things I want to ever become reality, my wants are too numerous. I don't think that any of this can ever happen so I just have to suck it up and deal with it. Oh well....

Help! I Need Somebody! Help! Not Just Anybody...

2009-05-09T17:40:57Z

My mom has openly admitted that she no longer has any trust towards me. I have "become a typical teenager." I became somebody she doesn't know and doesn't want to ever know. I need help.
She told me that she regretted making me the center of her life.

Where is This All Leading?

2009-05-06T20:48:56Z

I want to cry. This whole thing with my mom has blown way up. I am writing her a letter. I can't express how badly I feel right now. I am really opening up, and I hope she respects that, cause you guys know how hard that is for me. All I want is her approval. Why can't I just get it? I want to curl up in a ball and just cry.

The King of Wishful Thinking....

2009-05-03T21:17:41Z

"Do you like dreaming of things so impossible?"

So I realized today how much I want my parents back together. I sat with both of my parents at the kitchen table for the first time in seven years. I actually felt like part of the family and not the outcast I typically feel like. I don't look like anybody. I don't like the same things. I have different political views. I don't like sports. I would rather spend my days dancing and painting then watching TV. I talk to my girls instead of my family. I trust my friends more than my dad. At Thanksgiving, I am awkward. I don't know how to communicate with either side of my family. Everything I say just either comes out wrong, or they argue with me about it. I don't fit in. It's quite clear.

This being said, the kitchen table was not a peaceful meeting. I come home from breakfast with my dad to find my mother typing away on the computer on the phone with the Verizon people. She cut my texting off cause of my progress report which was not up to her valedictorian standards. All Satisfactories, but in math it said grade average 70-74 cause i bombed the only test that is on the report. But I am having a retake so all should be well in MaddieLand. Oh honey, its not. My mom actually cut off my texting because she thinks that I do not work hard enough.

Well Gail, I am sorry I can't be perfect. I am so far from it. I don't want to be you. I don't want to be perfect. I don't want to be valedictorian. I live my whole life aiming to be not perfect. Nothing is quite perfect with me. I wear converse with my cocktail dresses. And I wear ripped up tights to ballet. I do my French homework to screamo. I do my Christmas shopping the week of. My whole life is in retaliation to this perfection my mom worked so hard to achieve in her life. Granted I am my own person, I think of myself as an individual. I hang out with who I want, I do what I want, wear what I want, I listen to what I want, no matter what other people say. I don't listen to what other people say. I want and need to figure things out for myself. I know what is good for me. And if I don't, the only way I will learn is if I do it by myself.

I learn differently than you do Mom. I can't read a book and automatically understand and memorize every little detail in the book. I am not blessed with that talent. I have to work twice as hard as you did to get decent grades. I can't remember every detail in my English book, but I can memorize every lyric to my favorite songs. Simply because I remember the things I don't need to know. You need to stop basing me on your expectations of yourself. Everytime somebody meets me who knows you, they actually say that I am different than how they thought I would be. Well no shit Sherlock, I wear flannel shirts and skinny jeans as opposed to your pearls and sweater sets. I don't do my homework 5 hours a day, I actually have people to talk to. Taking away my texting is not allowing me the essential communication between me and my people. Its not fair to me. Why should you cut me off from the people who keep me sane? That is just wrong. I have no communication between me and Chris besides Facebook cause his laptop is gone. What kind of relationship is that? And yes, today is our one month. I have no texting and he is hungover. His stupid friend spiked his mountain dew last night and he feels like crap today. But at least I talked to him.

This is so much more than my mom taking away my texting. It's the complex that she has where she thinks that she can completely control my life twenty four seven. I'm fifteen, she shouldn't be able to do that. I understand limitations. I can work within them. But cutting me off will only make me rebel further...Oh mother you have so much to learn.

blink182ofaneye @ 2009-03-17T00:00:00

2009-03-17T04:01:10Z

Ok so I know I haven't updated in what seems to be years.
So much has happened.
I have finally found somebody. I really like him. AND OMG ITS A MUTUAL FEELING.
You know those texts that say "Wait for the one who calls you back when he hangs up. Wait for the one who calls you beautiful instead of hot. Wait for the one who will get made fun of by his friends..." you know that text. Well I found one! He texts me at random times of the day and asks me if he has told me that I am amazing and beautiful lately. If not, I am. He is so cute, and amazing, and really he has changed my life. He makes bad decisions. FML. Oh well. He makes me so happy. And we are so adorable. I am blonde and happy and he is emo. Its so damn adorable. If I want to be with him, then I will do whatever it takes. I don't care. I smile everytime he texts me. He gets made fun of by his friends for always talking to me on the phone or shit...IDC. I talk to him for hours a day. I believe I started talking to him at five, its now eleven...Oh jeez. So yea, life is going pretty well right now. Oh and we have a song. And a whole life plan. We are getting married, and moving to San Diego. We are going to name our daughter Coco Ariella Sabella. I am going to own a hotel, and he is going to own a skate/surf shop next door. Haha, this all started with Miss Larsen's stupid chastity essay that me and him got way too into....Oh Well

When You Look Into Her Eyes and All You See Is Your Mom....

2009-02-26T21:06:20Z

So I feel like death. I haven't slept in days. My teachers are friggin psychos and I actually had a nervous breakdown. I cannot handle all of this. To top it off, everybody is freaking out about spring fling. And I don't know what to say about my date. I mean I think I am going with this guy but it was more of a "hey I really want to go to spring fling!" "sure you wanna go?" "ok sounds cool we will have a blast". IT wasnt a formal asking so um, I hope I have a date....
But I am falling apart. Lovely

blink182ofaneye @ 2009-02-23T17:23:00

2009-02-23T22:25:18Z

I haven't posted in a while, and I know. I am completely entranced by this song that Erin put up. Its amazing, its by Man Overboard and it is called "Love your friends die laughing". Its amazing, and the words just speak to me, IDK why though, but yes life is still complicated. Oh well, its a lost cause at this point. So when this hell week ends, I will update more often, kay bye.

blink182ofaneye @ 2009-02-17T12:15:00

2009-02-17T17:21:44Z

I am so happy to be back in Connecticut. Florida was eventful and I never like the drama that unfolds there. Its just not fun. My dad lets me go nowhere and I have to spend every waking moment with him. Ughhhhhh.

Its ok I am home now. This is good. I like being home. I missed my mom. This thing with Chris is getting out of hand though. Its just getting kind of ridiculous. Oh well. Thats all I can say at this point, Oh well

blink182ofaneye @ 2009-02-13T12:31:00

2009-02-13T18:03:23Z

So i am flying out today. And I still have the flu. Lovely, just lovely. I will infect the entire plane. But I am gonna be all drugged up, so that should be tons of fun. I am not gonna be lucid and I hope I don't contract the stomach bug on the plane. That would be bad. I downloaded tons of music on my laptop so I should be set. I am looking forward to getting a Maddie Tan which basically means I turn the same color as normal people. Not the people who tan, like just normal skin toned people. I had a doctor who said I was ridiculously white. Awesome! So my mom looked up the flu test that I had and apparently it is seventy percent accurate. I have the strain that It doesn't pick up. I have the strain that was not covered by the flu shot. Yea, I would be that minority
I will update at the airport. Should Be tons of fun! I will be back on Monday thank God!!!!!!!

I have no voice

2009-02-11T20:33:52Z

Yay this illness I seem to suffer from just keeps getting worse. Joy! I have no voice, I sound like the Grim Reaper when I try to talk, always fun! I emailed all of my teachers begging for sympathy. Ughhhh. And my mom said I have to go to school tomorrow even if I have one leg. Thank you mother. Thank you for caring.

Sumo Hugs and Puppies

2009-02-10T18:00:49Z

I am sick. Wonderful. I feel like about four hundred bricks have been thrown at me...Everybody is sick today. Every single person at my school. What is this madness? And Chris is sick too...I think its because we got each other sick. He told me the night blink announced they were coming back that basically he would give me a ginormous hug in the hallway when he saw me on Monday. By hug I had no idea he meant. Stop in the middle of the hallway across from the middle staircase, and like lunge into sumo position and like wait for me to hug him. It was ridiculously awkward. Haha, but I liked it. He also ordered tons of blink shirts and hoodies and I get one
And also, its official I am getting a puppy!

THEY ARE BACK

2009-02-09T03:22:18Z

ITS OFFICIAL
BLINK
IS
BACK
I THINK I DIED
AND IM POSITIVE
i dvr'ed it. and rewinded it fourteen times
fdkljfkdlsjfkldskdnklf!!!
i love them

Punches to the stomach

2009-02-08T21:05:25Z

I hate when people get inside my head. Honestly, I did not think I was that easy to understand. But this kid sure as hell has me all figured out. Just when I think I am getting over him, I look through my inbox and see the texts he sent to me. I am instantly pulled right back in =[. As Molly said, looking at pictures of him is like taking a punch right to the stomach. Its terrible. To make matters worse, I am drinking the Capri Sun he gave me,,,,torture right there. All I can say is FML. And then I tap it out

I made a really cool tap combo to Church by T-Pain. It was sick if I do say so myself. So yea, oh and did I mention my dad went to see his girlfriend today? Well yea, now I am. He has no friends in Pensacola besides her. My mom said you can always tell when he is dating someone when he stops calling. I know I am an inconvieniance to him, I know he likes my brother better. However, I would rather him not call at all then him only call when it's convieniant for him. He causes me so much pain. He puts my mom under so much pressure. I am only looking forward to going down to his house because of the weather. Not for him. I am probably gonna meet his girlfriend, I will be on total princess bitch mode. I will be a spoiled mother effin bitch to her. She deserves it. Its people like her who made my parents get divorced. She is the opposite of my mom. She is they type my dad cheated on my mom with. He deserves to be unhappy. If only he knew what he had done to my sister, my mom, and me.
If only he knew....

I have had the house to myself today. It was nice. I was supposed to study, but we all know that won't happen. I am kind of down again. It seems to be happening a lot lately. Unfortunately.

Come on come on the stars are watching

2009-02-07T17:31:17Z

So today should be a good day. Dance this morning was lovely. Honestly, as much as I hate gettting up at nine am on a saturday when I come home from babysitting at half past midnight, lyrical in the morning is a nice refresher. I can honestly let myself completely go. I had so much emotion to push out today. I was so on my game. It was amazing. I held a passe balance for a good 3 minutes, my table T's hurt like hell, but they were amazing also. Today should be amazing

So Derek keeps asking me to the movies, and I don't know what to say. Like honestly, I do not want to go. I feel bad that I am playing sick, but I legit do not want to go. I told him I was sick. And like, I like being friends with him, I hope he doesn't think any more of me. I need friends, not a significant other at this time. I am just kind of getting over my last guy and I just find a friend in Derek.

I have dance later, which should be fun. My two favorites Nayara and RayZaph are there. As much as I really don't like the other kids in my class, I have them.I am the oldest kid in there because my twinnie Alli NEVER comes. We have the same birthday, so I call her my twinnie. After hiphop, Christian has a lacrosse game. It should be fun, however, he can't really play. I don't want him to mess up. At all. I am way too over protective of him. Then I get to babysit my favorite brats--Max and Lou!!!! Woohoo! Time to get molested by a twelve year old who looks like he is on drugs...Always fun and rather classy if I do say so myself.

I have talked to Chris in days. In some ways it is good. However, the more I avoid him, it seems the more I see him in school. As Molly says, ever time I see him, its like a punch in the stomach. Thanks to Tracie and her kick ass jazz warmup with 80 crunches, I have strong abs, I just need to get stronger. Molly has nicknamed him Squirrel Boy haha. His girlfriend is rather squirrely. And she was making a joke about how she hits squirrels when she drives. She said she was joking, but she said she would make an exception for me. Haha, oh how I love her!

Brady Smile Benefit is February 28 at the Fairfied University Quick Center for the Arts. Tickets are 20 dollars and you can buy them at the door. Please come and support Brady Smile! I will be dancing with The CT Dance Performance Troupe. Its a good opportunity to come laugh at me. It is for a great cause. Ask me for more information

blink182ofaneye @ 2009-02-03T15:34:00

2009-02-03T20:49:34Z

I hate being a procrastinator. Its never been a good thing, and although I try hard not to be...Its just so damn fun. And its so much easier. All these teachers are giving tests and due dates this week. I think I am going to explode. Its terrible. I get to write a book review. I have never done it before. Its on a good book, The Secret Life of Bees. You should read it. But yea, it snowed today. Which means the dance studio is closed. Not like my mom would let me go anyway, but its a nice thought...

So apparently people are talking about me at school...GREAAAATTTT. From what I hear it was something about how I am a stalker. Um,,,,hell to the no? What bothers me the most about it is that I know who said it. And she apparently "pretends" like we are friends. Then she gives a speech about how she hates gossip, when she goes around and makes rumours. Which are NOT true. She has no idea what goes on between me and other people. What the fuck? And this girl tells me this. Who doesn't even really know me. Basically, she keeps saying, "I am helping you." Honestly, I am not sure I want your help. So please stop. I started to tell her about my screwed up life. Then she was like, "Yea I'll tell them to stop." Damn right you will

My ex boyfriends are giving me tons of shit, that I don't want to deal with. At all. They are so immature, it hurts. But now I think people think that I like like like Chris. And honestly, I am not sure. I thought I did. But methinks I enjoy his friendship so much more. He got me Capri Sun that has been sitting in his car for like a week. It was so amazing, he even got my favorite kind. When he told me he was gonna get it, I thought he was joking. Apparently not. But yea, as of now we are friends.

I am sorry if you think I am a "stalkerish" person. Cause I am not. I trust people entirely too much. I enjoy other people's company, entirely too much. I love my friends, they become my family. Friends become instant best friends. And best friends become favorites.

I Hate...

2009-02-02T22:28:53Z

I hate Mrs. Green and her stupid papers which cause me to have no life.
I hate math which causes me to feel stupid in class because I ask about a bajillion questions, and everybody just stares at me
I hate guys who can't make up their minds
I hate ex boyfriends
I hate how my mom is always gone
I hate how my brother comes home from wrestling, and doesn't listen to me
I hate bitchy girls
I hate long computers, which is fourth lunch
I hate the drama spring fling has caused
I hate the idea of grades
I hate people who are obsessed with grades
I hate homework, in general
I hate Madame Marcucci who patronizes us
I hate when guys don't tell you, I don't like you, please go away
I hate how girls have to like "read the minds of men"
I hate how some people seem to hog other people
I hate my brother being sick
I hate not knowing the full story of anything
I hate not being able to fully explain why I am so messed up, to even my best friends
I hate how my mom doesn't tell me stuff to "protect me"
I hate the cold weather
I hate girls who steal guys
I hate spray on tans
I hate the spandex bubble dresses seen at the Snowball Dance
I hate competition
I hate not being able to tell people how I feel
I hate not being brave

Thank you for listening to my rant =]